Newly Released Star Trek Movie Achieves The Impossible and Sets a New Bar

By Joshua Tyler | Updated 3 seconds ago

Star Trek: Section 31 It begins with a Spitwad flying across the screen and tracing the shape of the Starfleet logo. I would later learn that this Spitwad was the show’s hero ship.

The film turns into a flashback, in which we are introduced to a girl worse than Hitler. She murders her entire family in preparation for a job promotion where she will spend decades committing galactic genocide and torturing the man she loves for fun.

“I’m the only one I could never beat.” – Philippa Georgiou

This Space Hitler is called Philippa Georgiou (Michelle Yeoh), and the film appears in a gift where she runs a floating space bar. We reintroduce it while the movie plays rude rock music to cue the audience in to the idea that we’re supposed to think it’s really awesome.

Georgiou then pops a human eyeball into her mouth and savors the flavor as the music swells and the camera spins around her adoringly. Yes, the idea of Star Trek: Section 31 Selling the idea that cannibalistic mass murder is super cool if you do it in high heels! It’s the entire premise of this movie. Hooray for Space Hitler!

This is not an exaggeration. This is not hyperbole. This glorification of atrocities is the CBS movie intentionally released under the Star Trek brand on Paramount+.

To make their celebration of the genocide happen, Paramount took an unpopular and totally evil character from Star Trek: Discoverythe least beloved Star Trek series of all time, and gave it a feature film.

Why did this happen? How did it happen? If that story is told, it will be more interesting than anything in this movie.

Soon we are presented with the rest of the Star Trek: Section 31 the cast, a spy team working for the Black Ops Secret Organization Section 31. Section 31 of the Organization was first created in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine As something to hate, not glorify, and it was never something most Trek fans wanted more of. So it’s fitting that Section 31 is the main motivator for a movie that broke away from a show no one liked with a character no one wanted to see more of.

The Super Cool Section 31 spy team engages in performances by yelling at each other, making threats, and posing for the camera. Like Georgiou, they are also mostly serial killers, and they are all quite upset that they can’t do more murders.

Georgiou joins the Section 31 team for reasons, and they went on a mission to do something for other reasons. That’s more explanation than this movie gave me.

Luckily, this mission to do something takes place on the exact same space bar they’re already standing on. CBS didn’t need to build any other sets for its heist. What a financially fortuitous coincidence.

The critical mission of getting something for reasons is interrupted by the surprise appearance of the snake eyes from the GI Joe franchise. Or maybe he’s a space ninja. It’s probably just a Ninja Surprise Space. GI Joe would never be associated with this.

At this point, we’re 30 minutes into the movie, and the location of the fancy space bar set where it all started hasn’t changed.

Get ready because the set is about to change. The public is introduced to a new location. It’s a desert with flamethrowers sticking out randomly from the ground. Our team has a meeting there. Why they chose such an inhospitable location is completely unknown.

Their meeting concludes and we enter their ship for the first time. It’s not the Spitwad from the film’s opening logo sequence. Hooray, a third location.

This location is used to talk to a man tied to a chair because of course there is someone tied to a chair. The scene takes place on the bridge of their spaceship, and you can’t see much besides some office chairs in the background.

Five minutes later, the ship you can’t really see explodes anyway, and we’re back in the desert. Deserts are the best when you’re filming on a budget.

Luckily, one of our characters announces that he knows about an old ship in the desert, a ship that turns out to be out there for reasons. They then walk towards the ship, which they find in the forest.

In the forest. A forest around a desert in a place they repeatedly describe as a “dead planet.” Hold.

From there, the desert is never seen or mentioned again, and everything happens in the forest. Even the locations they had previously visited in the desert are now in the forest as well.

Fortunately, there are flamethrowers sticking out of the ground in the forest, so the audience always knows where they are. Flamethrowers don’t seem to bother trees.

There’s a confusing fist fight in front of a bad green screen rendering of a blurry tunnel. A murder mystery that no one cares about. A robot is incapacitated by being kneed in the crotch.

Star Trek: Section 31 It ends with Phillipa Georgiou genocide an entire universe on suspicion of possible mischief and then telling her team that she will probably kill them later.

They all have a good laugh at their future murders, and then Jamie Lee Curtis emerges from a table in the movie’s fancy bar to give them their next mission.

If you still have doubts about the quality of Star Trek: Section 31 Writing, enjoy this actual line of dialogue from the movie: “He died as if he lived. That’s why you know what I mean.”

Star Trek: Section 31 It’s one of the worst ideas anyone has ever had, and it’s one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. It was executed by a team of people who don’t know what a movie is and performed by actors who know nothing about acting.

It has nothing to do with Star Trek. There’s nothing Star Trek about it. Nothing in it feels like Star Trek, Star Trek stuff isn’t referenced or mentioned, and it has no relation to anything anywhere else in Star Trek (thank goodness). Someone wrote a horrible, horrible suicide squad/guardians of the galaxy Rip mashup and then slapped the Star Trek name on it in hopes of tricking people into giving them money.

Star Trek: Section 31 He has achieved the impossible. It’s the worst thing Star Trek has ever produced and also one of the worst things to appear on any screen, anywhere. Is it possible for a movie to be evil? This is it, and if Paramount has any sense of shame or decency, it will now shut down the entire company and auction off its assets to the highest bidder.

Our GIANT Damned ROBOT The review system works on a scale of one to five stars. Our rating system does not go below one star. So I’m giving Star Trek: Section 31 Zero stars.

Star Trek: Section 31 Review Score