Dr. Celiwe get South Africa talking about financial abuse

A young South African doctor has caused a national conversation about a form of domestic abuse often involved in silence: financial abuse.

In a series of viral videos, Dr. Celiwe Ndaba opened on how she said she had been financially exploited by her husband, how there was a spiral and led to her separation.

Often seated in her car on her way to work, the mother of three Vlog more than two weeks on how despite her successful career she had been trapped in a toxic marriage for years, feeling manipulated to finance her husband’s lifestyle, in particular her desire to conduct a Mercedes Benz.

Taking loans for him to buy such vehicles was the “worst decision” of his life, putting the family under great financial pressure, said Dr. Ndaba, who since he shared his story has once again used his bachelorette name and the amount of his followers has shot himself.

Despite the supplications that her husband degraded, she said that he refused, accusing her of wanting to “turn him into a stock of laughter making him conduct a small car.”

The doctor said she was talking because she wanted to broadcast a warning to others, who were not only “without education” and “less fortunate” women who are in abusive relationships.

Her separate husband, given, has not responded to a request for comments from the BBC.

Following the social media storm, he established a Tiktok account, where in one of his first videos he acknowledged: “You may know me as … ‘Mr. Benz or nothing'”.

The few publications he has made are accompanied by hashtags like #divorcetrauma, saying that accusations are lies.

However, Dr. Ndaba’s Tiktok comments section and other social media platforms have become support groups, full of women who share disturbingly similar stories.

“You are brave to speak so publicly … I’ve been suffering in silence,” said one person.

Bertus Preller, a lawyer based in Cape Cabo, believes that this is because although South African women are becoming doctors, lawyers and businessmen, obtaining well -paid jobs not necessarily releases them from the claws of the patriarchy.

The financial independence of women collides with “cultural norms that prioritize male authority,” he says.

In any case, their success seems to turn them into objectives.

Financial abuse occurs when a partner dominates or exploits the financial resources of the other, explains the lawyer.

“It is a subtle but powerful tactic of domestic violence, with the aim of keeping the victim under control,” he says.

In South Africa, this is legally classified as economic abuse under the law of domestic violence.

Preller says that things such as “unjustly retaining money by essential elements or interfering with shared assets” are covered by law.

A university professor, who requested anonymity, told the BBC how her husband had lied about her qualifications and finally left her in financial ruin.

He started with his car that he was leading mainly but never replenishing. Then, the loans took for their multiple failed commercial companies. Finally, an eviction notice arrived when he said he had stopped contributing to the rent, letting her assume all the expenses of her family, which included three children.

Despite this, they remained together for a decade, although he was also physically abusive.

“He is very intelligent … he was in love with his intelligence, his great dreams. But he could not follow them with actions. His pride was his fall,” he said.

Even when he managed to get some money, he still did not contribute.

“He began to retain the money he had for himself. He went out to drink with his friends, he would return: the salary is gone,” he said.

Financial legal expert Somila Gogoba says that beyond the control of money, financial abuse often has deep psychological roots.

“For the abuser, this behavior can come from feelings of insufficiency, fear of abandonment or the need for domain,” he told the BBC.

“For the victim, the psychological impact includes feelings of uselessness, fear and dependence, which can be paralyzed.”

The research of the University of South Africa suggests that these are not isolated cases, and that women who exceed their partners face significantly higher risks of intimate couple violence.

From their in -depth study of 10 women who were the main support of their families, only two were married.

“For eight of the participants, their choice of being single resulted from their experiences of physical, emotional and sexual violence … All women said they believed that their role as supporting women were considered threatening for the traditional male role of a supplier.” Said researcher Bianca Parry.

Mrs. Gogoba says that women that support are less valued than their male counterparts, despite their economic contributions: “This cultural backdrop can encourage some couples to feel the right to control finance, even when they do not contribute equally.

“This control is not just about money, but it is also about being able and maintaining control of the dynamics of the relationship.”

Namelo Shange, sociologist professor at the Free State University, says it is part of a growing pattern in South Africa of middle -class women who are exploited financially.

“Black women face a double patriarchy: Western expectations at work, traditional expectations in the home. When they collides and harmful ideologies intensify,” he told the BBC.

He explained that balancing the pressures of being a successful woman, but playing the role of “the caretaker, the mother, the good wife, the good neighbor and the member of the community who goes to church every Sunday”, it was difficult since women were always taught to the score of male egos.

Since the revelations of Dr. Ndaba, women on social networks have shared stories of giving their male partners their debit or credit cards when they go out to eat, so it seems that he is paying the food.

For Mrs. Shange, this shows how the burden of a happy home is often placed on women’s shoulders.

“You think: ‘If I only get a car, they will be happy.’ Love makes you blind.

When the university professor divorced her husband, she stayed with debts of 140,000 Rand ($ 7,500; £ 5,600), all accumulated in her name.

“Before, I could plan things like vacations. They are now a luxury,” he said.

Dr. Ndaba has worked out to tell her followers, as she did in a Vlog: “Financing is an important aspect of people’s marriages.”

The teacher could not agree more, urging young women to take their time to meet their partners and have open and honest conversations.

“Talk about finance, talk about your background, talk about emotions and character.”

Mrs. Gogoba urged more people to protect themselves from her partner, telling them to keep a separate bank account, keep their safe pins and monitor their credit cards.

Everyone agreed that women should understand that love should not come with an unsustainable price.